Curd

You know how there are words you just don't like. Curd is one of those words for me. I guess it makes me think of curdled, which makes me think of sour milk. I just think it is an ugly word.

I was out of town this weekend and had a TV in my room. This is notable for me for two reasons, one I don't have a TV in my room at home, and two we don't have cable or live TV. Anyhow, I was watching TV in bed and ended up watching a show on the Food Network called Chopped. It is a competition between four chefs to come up with a portion of a meal in 30 minutes or less using basket of "mystery" items that each must be used. One chef is cut after the appetizer, and another after the main dish. Then the final two go at it for dessert, and the winner gets $ 10,000. The mystery ingredients were odd combinations and I would have found it impossible to come up with something edible. For example, dinner was quail, chocolate covered raisins, escarole, and smoked paprika. I have to admit I was mesmerized by the show. Anyhow, the winning chef made a dessert that contained papaya curd. The judges kept saying, wow the curd is amazing. How can anything named curd be amazing? So, when I returned home I decided to look up what goes into a curd. As it turns out, it is a short list of lovely ingredients. I actually had a ton of lemons hanging in my fridge, so I decided to make some lemon curd. YUMMY! What a spoonful of delicious sunshine. I just ate it like a pudding with a small dollop of fresh whipped cream, but imagine it would be delightful with over a sugar cookie crumble or such.

I am now curd lover, but I still think it is an ugly word, especially for something so delightful.

Pain

I know it can be useful. As a person who tends to burn myself a lot while cooking, the pull away reflex is quite useful. I think pain is impossible to compare from person to person. Two people have headaches, whose is worse? My husband suffers from chronic pain, and it is impossible for me to understand how he feels. I have tried by observation. He gets a head cold and is kind of whiny, so I think perhaps he has a low pain tolerance. On the other hand, I have sat with him after recovering through multiple surgeries, and then watched him through the rehabilitation process, and would say he has a very high pain tolerance. On the occasion I have woke up with one of those awful kinks in my neck I think about him. The pain is an annoyance for a day or two, and I know it affects my mood. I wonder if that is how he feels every day all day.
Some mornings we wake and everything is fine and then somewhere during the day the pain sets in, and he will become quiet and brooding. Some days the dark mood is morning from night, and some days everything is okay. The bad days are becoming more frequent. No matter how many times we go through this I still jump to the conclusion that his dark mood is caused by me or something I have done. Then he says, no it is the pain. We are looking at options now on how to deal with the chronic pain. Time magazine says we are coming into a renaissance period of pain management. Oh, I hope so! If something doesn't help him, we both know it will eventually take a toll on our relationship and marriage. The chronic pain is like a dreary cloud cover over us, it is oppressive. Some days I just feel like running away from the dark and towards the sun. Which creates and emotional pain for me for even entertaining such thoughts.

Apologoholic

Hi, My name is Michelle and I am an apologoholic. I think I have been this way since I was 6 or 7 years old. I drop a pen while handing it to someone, "oops, sorry." The dinner is late (always), "Oh, I am sorry." I think I inconvenienced someone, of course I apologize. I bump someone, the dog, or even the wall, again, "I am sorry!". It is not that I don't mean my apology, but they are so automatic that I say it without checking if what I bumped into is a sentient being. I say it without thinking, "do I really need to apologize?" I don't think my apology threshold is a problem. I have never had a review that says, "Michelle apologizes too much", or my husband say, "you know your apologies annoy me". The problems arise when I hold my apologizing standards to others. Case in point, we went away last weekend. I left Thursday in a mad dash. Before leaving I finished grading, laundry, packing, did some volunteer work, took the car in for an oil change, cleaned the cat box, and delivered the dog to my mom. So, I didn't leave the house as clean as we like it before a weekend out. However, I had the dishes and clothes put away for the most part. Mark left the following day. When we came home Sunday the kitchen was trashed. Dirty dishes and pans covered the counters. A bowl next to the couch with what appeared to be dried on salsa. The lunch container from Mark's THURSDAY lunch was still sealed on the counter (yum...). Needles to say, I was none to happy. To me this is an ideal spot for an apology. Sorry dear, I was too _________ (busy, tired,drunk). But nothing, nor was there any "look" of guilt. While I found this really irritating, I also have to admit I admire and envy his ability to be non apologetic for something that he obviously does not feel apologetic about. It is not like he never apologizes, but he has an obviously different threshold than I do.

I guess this is one of the personality differences that arise in a marriage that there really is nothing to be done about. I will go on being hyper-apologetic, he will go on being hypo-apologetic (in my opinion). We all do things that drive each other crazy and like leaving the toilet seat up in the middle of the night, this one will be more problematic for me.

Patience

The dictionary definition: the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

I think I am a patient person, for the most part. My husband agrees, for the most part. My students' report I am patient in my evaluations. However, last night I did not feel patient, I didn't want to be patient. I wanted to yell, scream, slam things. I didn't, but I did act outwardly grumpy. I didn't even try to hide it. So this morning I thought of different times my patience is called upon.
- my children in general
- my spouse
- my students as they learn at their own pace
- my colleagues
- my animals
- waiting in lines
- driving
- losing weight
- healing an injury

What if today and on forward I decided not to exercise patience in a way that I have defined myself to myself and others. The new Michelle would let everyone know how she feels when something is not going her way. Well this morning I contemplated this change in my persona. If I were to let that happen, my life would probably unravel very quickly. My relationships with my children, my marriage, my job, my friends and more casual relationships would likely change too. In yoga this morning we talked about the fact that so many horrible things are happening in the world, and how we have little control over the world (our personal world let alone the global world) with the exception of ourselves. And this leads me to my personal definition of patience. Patience is me not losing control of myself over things I cannot control .

Try try again

I have tried blogging several times and have frankly felt that I sucked at it. Inadvertently, I recently discovered what I think was the problem (IMHO). The blogs I find interesting are some insight by the author, some small snippet of their lives that is meaningful. The blogs I don't like are the diary type. I kept attempting to write the story of my life, or follow an event such getting back into running. Let's face it those topics are kind of boring. I am sure they have their place, like in a diary. So all this time, I have been annoying myself with my own blogs. I am trying this blogging thing one more time. My goal is to I keep each post to only one topic and hopefully keep from annoying myself, too.